Guilt, doubt and constant worry – woes of a working mother. Though endlessly debated by both sides (the working mom vs. the stay at home mom), it still is a totally individualistic viewpoint. Me? I am a working mother. Working since eight years and a mother for a little over a year out of those.
How has it been so far? Umm….the jury is divided on that one. I am presently living in a town where there are no day care centres and the concept of babysitters does not exist. My husband, parents and in-laws stay in different cities and have their own commitments. Luckily I have found a temporary maid who has agreed to babysit for a couple of months. What then? We shall cross the bridge when we reach it. Clichéd I know, but that’s the best that I can do right now.
The basic worry taken care of, I still have doubts and endless guilt at the end of each day. It breaks my heart to see my darling baby cry when I leave him in the mornings. Sometimes he wakes to find his mommy gone and those are the good days. Out of sight out of mind right? He was mostly off breastfeed but has relapsed, seeking the comfort of the breast every time I am at home. His sleep pattern has drastically altered with him trying to stay up whenever I am around to ensure I do not go anywhere while he sleeps. He wakes up scared, crying. So people who think it is easy leaving your baby while you work – it’s not dearies. It is difficult, very difficult.
The negatives seem to go on and on. So why do I work? It pays the bills. Also if I leave I would have to change cities and move (but I am already moving every two years- transferrable job you see). Some say that seeing me work will instill a little independence in the baby but right now all I see is him clinging to me every second I am home. But being a SAHM? Will I get the satisfaction or will I regret later? In my opinion SAHMs are master managers; I don’t think I have it in me. Give me a board meeting any day but a hyperactive toddler and a house to run by myself? I am in shallow waters there.
So till I gather courage and take a plunge or finally decide otherwise I guess my dilemma continues like so many before me. This is one lesson each one of us has to learn on our own.